I am not sure which level of civic authority I would surrender myself to for such a crime, but my prolonged procrastination has claimed the life of an innocent bag of kidney beans. Oh...the humanity. Given that there's no listing in the phone book for the N.A.P.L. (National Association for the Protection of Legumes), I'll just post my confession here and let internet justice reign supreme.
Let me just go back a bit so my situation is completely understood before judgment is passed. I was home alone one night. Well...home alone with a very large, drooling dog...and a loaded .22....and....a loaded .44...and....well, just don't surprise me in the dark, okay?
One night about two months ago, some weirdo shows up on my front porch and asks me if he can "come in and use the phone". Well, suffice to say that I was not born yesterday and I do know better than to open the door for strangers. My Momma raised me right!
He ended up getting persistent...and quite creepy. I called 9-1-1 on this idiot...and then I proceeded to go get my .44 and went back to the kitchen to finish making chili. God bless Texas!
One of the things that bothered me days later, however, was that I caught him looking at me through the long narrow window next to our front door. There is a sheer white curtain that hangs in that window and I guess I never realized that anyone could just see right through it. Too bad he wasn't peeking in when Kevin was walking around the house in his favorite outfit: socks. Needless to say, I high-tailed my butt on down to Target that weekend and bought a new curtain panel for the window.
Stores never have anything in stock for oddly sized windows like that, so I just bought one that I knew was wide enough and figured I'd make some adjustments to it. I have a sewing machine and an iron...I was a Girl Scout. I can figure this out.
Well, it turns out that I conveniently forgot about the fact that I have a pretty busy life. And also that I procrastinate even the act of procrastination. When it comes to putting off mundane household tasks, I am the shizz, baby.
I hung the panel right away and it looks great with our decor. Awesome! Fabulous!! Inspired!!! I should have a job on HGTV. However...the curtain kept billowing out and away from the glass because it was too long for the window and had no pocket for the bottom rod to go through. This is the part that I'd been planning to fix. It was getting late on a Sunday and I had neither the patience nor the energy to make any adjustments to it. So I started hunting for something to use as a temporary fix to the problem.
I found my salvation in a one pound bag of dry kidney beans that's been sitting in my pantry for about a year and a half. (Ever since I decided that a big jar of assorted dry beans would look very "country cute" on top of our kitchen cabinets...and it does!) HGTV, is that you calling?
I tucked the end of the panel up onto the little window sill at the base and slapped that bag of kidney beans right on top of it. Ta da!!! Problem solved. Kev, spark up the DVR and let's catch up on the 12 episodes of "HOUSE" we've been too unorganized to watch!
For two months, I have conveniently had other things to do than to stop for a half hour and fix that damn curtain. But that bag of kidney beans has been doing a fabulous job on that little window sill. It has protected me and kept me safe from creepy people on my porch, neighbors walking their dogs, and the bunny that comes out of the greenbelt that eats our grass every morning. (I know he's watching me.) That bag of beans has been a damn good friend.
Now we're caught up. Except for the last couple of days it has been raining like crazy here in Texas. The dog park is closed "until further notice". It's not a dog park right now...it's more like a mud farm. Yesterday I mentioned that Petsmart is Kirby's third place in the whole world. Well, the dog park is her second favorite place.
Kirby is quite possibly the most lovable dog I've ever known. She's incredibly sweet. However, Miss Kirby does not take kindly to the idea of being ignored...or left alone for long periods of time. She knows our family routine. So tonight when I stayed late at work to finish a project and Kevin was not home, she got bored.
Things have been super busy at work lately, so I was really looking forward to getting home. I was so happy when I pulled into my driveway. Imagine my surprise, then, when I opened my front door and found a kidney bean murder scene.
That little bag of beans was no match for my 80 pound puppy. Let me just explain that when Kirby gets excited and starts playing with force, she shakes her head back and forth with the fury of a wolf killing its prey. There were kidney beans EVERYWHERE. Everywhere I looked...little kidney bean corpses. And right in the middle...a very ripped up, drool covered plastic bag. Oh, Kirby...
There were beans strewn all across the floor...on the chair...all across the sofa...in the built in bookcase...in the freak'in FIREPLACE!!! Everywhere. Beans everywhere. And there's Kirby in the middle of it all, wagging her tail enthusiastically in that demented helicopter pattern that makes Kevin and me laugh so hard. She looked as surprised as I did.
As I picked up the ten thousand dead beans and put them in their final resting place in my trash can, I used the appropriate scolding "mommy voice" as I explained to her how naughty it was to be throwing beans around the house. I doubt she heard me, however, since she was already stretched out on our couch...snoring. Loudly. All was right in her world. Mommy was home.
And as I finish this latest blog entry, I'm not certain of any real purpose (other than my confession) that I have in telling this story other than my noble effort to caution any of you from making the same mistake as me. This could have happened to anyone, right? Right. So...the next time you think about using a one pound bag of beans to keep a curtain in place so creepy burglar types can't molest you with their eyes, ask yourself this one question: do I have an 80 pound, drooling bean killer nearby?
Save yourself the guilt. Save the beans.